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Finding my creative stride

I think it is worth me mentioning my overall position on blogs and blogging before I get into what I typically consider myself avidly opposed to. I am not someone who likes blogs, or values them really. For the most part, my position is defined by the idea that I think someone might find this blog and think, "Who convinced this girl anything she has to say is that important to the rest of us?" And I don't. I don't totally understand myself even what I am trying to say most of the time so I don't expect anyone else to. With that being said, I am about to contradict that completely and just share some thoughts.


Some days I wake up completely energized about the possibility of making something new today. That has not been the case as of late. I don't know whether it is the fact that I have started my last semester of undergrad and lost my motivation or that I am totally exhausted all the time, but bringing myself to do anything other than watch meaningless TV has been difficult.


Not long ago, I made a sticky note that says "MAKE SOMETHING TODAY" and stuck it to the middle of my mirror. I think I jinxed myself because I don't feel like I have made anything new since the day I did that. But what I think the real problem is is my perspective. I am always so caught up in the day to day that I am unable to see the big picture.


Especially as a creator, everything I make is tangible and visual. I either made something new or I didn't. Every day, I wake up and have such high expectations about what I should be able to accomplish in a day and it is unacceptable to spend a single minute not doing something I consider productive and then spending the night laying in my bed watching TV shaming myself for doing so.


As a creative, we are insanely critical of ourselves. Someone in critique the other day said it best when he began critiquing his own work saying, "If I criticize it first than I can avoid hearing it from all of you." We are all guilt of doing this. And in some ways I think it is an okay way to live. I would much rather this than walk into a room thinking I am the most incredible person in the room, in which case I can guarantee that I am not. But there must be some place in between, and that is the spot I am currently looking for.


So I guess moral of the story is that I have not found my creative stride. Like life, creativity ebbs and flows. But you bet I will be back on this blog when I have found it.